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thumbup FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Thread started on: Apr 22nd, 2003, 09:39am »

>> "Oi, my dog fancies you" <<
George Michael's gay love mutt

George Michael used to have had a Labrador,
Hippy. According to George, Hippy was gay.

Sometimes when George wanted to chat someone
up, he would tell them that Hippy had dreamed
about them last night and that the dog had
then told George to ask them out.

George Michael smokes a lot of weed.


---------------------------------------------------
Fergie flew to Australia last week. A fellow first
class passenger claimed she ate four Magnum ice
creams and "all the goats' cheese in first class".
---------------------------------------------------


>> Fry on the wings of love <<
Owls burn for Harry Potter

The new Harry Potter film contains a scene where
Harry's owl has to fly around the interior
of Hogwarts.

Unfortunately, the candle-lit castle was not the
easiest place for an owl to navigate. Two owls
flew into the candles and burned to death.

Each time this happened, the children were
ushered out of the room while a replacement was
found. Then they were brought back in, shown the
owl and told "look, he's fine!"


---------------------------------------------------
Two members of S Club Juniors were overheard this
week at a hotel on tour comparing breast sizes
with Jo from S Club.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Big Questions <<
Wanky waterfall special!

During a European tour, a very famous male
Latin star befriended a good-looking lighting
technician and the two men spent a lot of time
in each other's company.

After a few weeks of this, some other members'
of the crew got the young lighting tech drunk
and made him tell them what had been going on.

He confessed that the star's favourite game
involved them masturbating each other on the
darkened balcony of the star's room, and then
ejaculating over the edge onto the ground below.

The star's favourite nights were in a hotel in
Spain when there was a plaza bar/restaurant
many floors below the balcony.

The happy wankers would score each other on sperm
hits on necks, heads, food etc. The star called
this practice the "waterfall of life"

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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #1 on: Apr 22nd, 2003, 09:40am »

---------------------------------------------------
The villain in Pamela Anderson's Striperella
cartoon strip is going to be Dr Cesarian. His evil
plot is to give women explosive breast implants.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Stalkers paradise <<
Anti-war stars lose bodyguards

Hollywood celebrities who have spoken out
against the Iraq war are being boycotted
by bodyguards.

Personal protection agencies are largely
staffed by ex-US military men. And all of a
sudden, the anti-war stars are finding it
impossible to hire a bodyguard or protection
services.

So any sex-pests, weirdos or stalkers looking
to get close to the likes of Martin Sheen,
Dixie Chicks and Sean Penn... now could be
your big chance!


---------------------------------------------------
Edited out of pisspoor reality show The Club:
One of the celebrity bar managers enjoying three
blowjobs and a shag.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Jeri Lo <<
Jennifer Lopez does Flashdance

Jennifer Lopez has done a Geri Halliwell-esque
Flashdance rip-off for the video for her next
single I'm Glad.

It seems its not just the concept that J Lo has
borrowed from Geri. Rumours abound that she also
used a body double for some of the dance moves.


---------------------------------------------------
Noel Gallagher goes to a West End gym three times a
week. According to the staff he loves Paedo jokes
and never fails to have one ready to tell....
---------------------------------------------------


>> Bukkake bandwagon <<
Everybody's jumping on the spunk bus

Channel 4 is about to film a bukkake event.
(Bukkake is a subgenre of porn in which dozens
of men jack off onto a girl's face.) The lady
who's getting splodged is Faye Rampton, a
jizzporn veteran.

This week we've been learning some tricks of
the bukkake world. And we can reveal that its
not always jizz that ends up on the girl.

Often a tube containing some white liquid is
sellotaped to the back of the knob. Common fluids
used are hair conditioner, margarita mix and
tinned chicken soup with the bits seived out.

(FYI : The "Used Panties" sold on porn websites are
almost always not used at all, but dipped in the
juice from a can of tuna.)

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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #2 on: Apr 22nd, 2003, 09:42am »

---------------------------------------------------
More from the Sexual Offences Act: it will soon be
an offence for British people to have sex with an
animal. But not if the animal's dead.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Celebrity Diet Secrets <<
Shit yourself thin, girls!

Like many female celebrities, Tracy Shaw uses
laxatives to help control her weight.

But Tracy's frequent trips to the lavatory
are said to be causing problems at home. Her
poor husband has been complaining how hard it
is to live with someone who has almost
constant diarrhoea.


---------------------------------------------------
Ms Dynamite got £50k to turn up at the Sky music
channels launch last week to sing two tracks.
---------------------------------------------------


>> "Wham! Bam! I am a man!"
George Michael is the torturers pin-up <<

The Baghdad complex housing the secret police,
military intelligence and torture chambers was one
of the key targets in the war, and was struck by
Tomahawk missiles.

The apartments inside which used to house the
members of the secret police are still filled
with their personal paraphenalia.

On the walls of these the police, who routinely
tortured dissidents and homosexuals, had stuck up
posters of Harrison Ford, Sharon Stone... and
George Michael.

More:
http://www.arabtimesonline.com/arabtimes/breakingnews/view.asp?msgID=927


---------------------------------------------------
Middle East peace process joke: I went to a sex shop
today and bought myself a Palestinian inflatable
doll. I got it home and the fucker blew itself up.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Brian waits for Britney <<
Queen of pop heading for dumper

Britney Spears has turned to Brian Higgins of
Xenomania, the man responsible for Girls Aloud's
excellent Sound of The Underground, to help
with her new album.

Following Justin and Christina's solo success,
this album is crucial for Britney, who has
recently experienced something of a backlash.

So you'd think she'd be working hard to make
sure things go well? Er no. Higgins was flown
over to LA to record vocals with her. She
turned up at the studio.... seven hours late.


---------------------------------------------------
In German-speaking Switzerland, cunnilingus is
referred to as "schnäbelä". (Schnabel = the horny
jaws of a bird)
---------------------------------------------------
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #3 on: Apr 22nd, 2003, 09:43am »

>> Bye-bye Guy <<
Robbie collaborator written out of history

Robbie Williams' team are in a studio in London
at the moment, taking out all of Guy Chambers
contributions. Then this new version will then
be released and the old one deleted.

Robbie believes this will increase sales, as the
public can sense the bad blood and tension
between him and Guy on the CD and that it's
having a negative effect on sales.


---------------------------------------------------
Bryan Ferry is the Sunday night headline at
Glastonbury this year`.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Things To Make You Go Hmm... <<
Melanie, Milius and Cockrings

Melanie "Mentalist" Griffiths has had a
bronze replica made of her husband, Antonio
Banderas' penis. Which she keeps in the bedroom.

AppleUniversal.com was registered by Apple five
days ago.

More on John Milius: he designed the medieval-
looking fighting cage, "The Octagon", used by
Ultimate Fighting Championships for their mixed
martial arts bouts.

Restrictions on US news reporting:
http://tbrnews.org/Archives/a273.htm

Great new TV coming: a small network in the
States is launching Brilliant But Cancelled, in
which excellent shows which were cancelled by
the networks are celebrated. Favourite episodes
of these shows will be replayed. We'll be voting
for Popular and Freaks and Geeks.

Dawson Leery lookalike in academia:
http://www.nuff.ox.ac.uk/Politics/Evans.htm

At Virgin Records, staff didn't use Atomic Kitten's
nicknames (Glitter, Party and Mental). The girls
were known back then as Atomic Disaster, Atomic
Waste and Atomic Bomb.

Combine a love of burlesque pin-up girls and bowling:
http://www.queenpindeluxe.com

Amusing cockring:
http://tugahoy.com/bona_constrictor_cock_ring.htm

Hear classic one-hit wonders, including Hulk
Hogan and Leonard Nimoy:
http://www.aprilwinchell.com/multimedia/
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« Reply #4 on: Apr 22nd, 2003, 09:44am »

Web hosting by: http://www.thebunker.net

Subscribe or unsubscribe: http://www.popbitch.com

Advertise on popbitch.com for £10:
http://www.popbitch.com/classifieds

tits or Face t shirt:
http://www.popbitch.com/tshirts/


Old Jokes' Home:
Q: What do hillbillies do at Halloween?
A: Pump kin.

Still bored?
Lego porn:
http://www.altervistas.com/sites/weird/118/
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« Reply #5 on: May 1st, 2003, 08:01am »

>> Is Prince Charles a stoner or what? <<
When you're scared of nanobots, you're high

Prince Charles has been sounding off about
"Grey Goo" - a fear of fast-replicating
nanobots which could take over the entire planet.

"It shows a complete disconnection from reality",
says Sir Harry Kroto, who won the Nobel Prize
for Chemistry in 1996.

What's causing this paranoid psychosis? Could it
be that the rumours we've been hearing about HRH
are true - Charles smokes weed?

Think about it - a disconnection from reality,
bizarre obsessions (GM food, grey-goo, modern
buildings), an interest in Eastern mysticism,
talking to plants, and his own farms to ensure a
constant supply of high quality munchies.
Suddenly it all makes sense.

(FYI: Our source says that Camilla tokes too)

---------------------------------------------------
Julian Cope has a new musical project called
Spazareth. The logo is an image of Jesus
in a wheelchair nailed to a cross.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Geri's dog days <<
Has Harry been stuffed?

Poor Geri Halliwell. Her big US TV break, All
American Girl, has flopped. It has just been
pulled off ABC part-way through, thanks to
disastrous ratings.

And to top that, someone recently played a cruel
trick on her - reporting to the RSPCA that she
was over-feeding her dog Harry.

So whose idea of a joke was this? Fingers are
pointing at her former best friend...
Robbie Williams.

Which teen pop manager has been known to use
the following chat-up line: "You could
be in a boy band. Do you want to come back
to mine and try a head shot?"

Which action movie hero is reported to be
HIV+, but thinks it's OK for him to have
promiscuous sex because he thinks he's
been cured by God?

>> Meet the Cheeky Brother <<
He makes the girls look normal

You may already think the Cheeky Girls are
barking mad, but wait until you see their brother,
who will debut in a documentary later this year.

* He's in his 20s, but usually wears a nappy
* He sits in a baby-rocker hung from a doorframe.
* He enjoys driving to and from Romania in
a beat-up old car.
* On his last trip he overdosed on Red Bull
and collapsed.

(FYI: Their mother is shaping up as an eccentric
genius. She is the twins' songwriter and svengali
and apparently pursued her English second
husband after seeing his name in Yellow Pages.)
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« Reply #6 on: May 1st, 2003, 08:04am »

---------------------------------------------------
Tony Blair has been awarded America's Ellis Island
Medal of Honour for International Leadership this
year. So has Michael Bolton.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Cat Owner of the Week <<
Christopher Walken is a pussy

Film hardman Christopher Walken has been
talking about his love for cats.

"People say cats are not intelligent, but they
are," he says. "They had some kind of animal IQ
test and cats came out very low. The test said
horses are smart and cats and rabbits are at
the bottom of the list.

"I don't think its right to put cats with
rabbits. In fact I think they are smarter
than horses".


---------------------------------------------------
Cut from Wednesday's J-Lo documentary... rumours
linking ex-husband Cris Judd with her manager Benny
Medina. (Benny was Cris's best man at their wedding,
possibly in more ways than one).
---------------------------------------------------

>> A farewell to Luther <<
We'll miss you, Ronnie

Poor Luther Vandross. Stroke, pneumonia,
tracheotomy and coma. While Sony are no doubt
preparing a Greatest Hits cash-in, let's
remember some happier Luther facts:

1. He used to be David Bowie's backing singer,
and co-wrote Bowie's hit Fame.

2. His friends and family call him Ronnie.

3. He liked eating so much, he once weighed
more than 340lb.

4. Luther used to be President of the Patti
LaBelle fanclub.

5. Never Too Much, Give Me The Reason and
Stop To Love were three of the best chart soul
records of the 80s.

6. His collaboration with Janet Jackson, Best
Things In Life Are Free was brilliant.

7. On one trip to London, he requested that
he be provided with young men dressed as
Grenadier Guards.

Doctors say that Luther is now "minimally
neurologically responsive". While this is
good enough for Gareth Gates, the legendary
Vandross is not expected to fully recover.

(FYI: To send Luther a get well message:
email tolutherwithlove@luthervandross.com)

---------------------------------------------------
Rolf Harris is borderline narcoleptic and will
only eat mangoes and bananas on set.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Project Mekon update <<
It just gets worse and worse

New single Feel Me attempts to give Emma a
grown-up, sexy, retro James Bond-theme vibe.
(Well, it worked for Robbie once.)

So it's unsurprising that other songs being
considered for her are the Carpenters' Close
To You, and I Lost My Heart To A Starship
Trooper. Given Emma's taste for older
men music impresarios, it seems appropriate
she should cover a Sarah Brightman song.

(FYI: Emma's selling the house she bought her Mum.
House just too big? Or is Emma running out of Spice
cash with very little expected from her current S
Club-style deal?)
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« Reply #7 on: May 1st, 2003, 08:06am »

---------------------------------------------------
Melanie C's first album, Northern Star, is outselling
her four-week old album, Reason (no 107 - no 175).
---------------------------------------------------


>> Sars Palace <<
London's glamour hotspot

Back in the 90s Caesars Palace nightclub was
billed as London's answer to the glitz of Las
Vegas. Bright neon lights proudly spelled out
the name.

After years of financial struggle many of these
bulbs have now failed. So the club is currently
billing itself as.... Sars Palace.

Anyone wishing to revive the old raver gas-mask
trend knows where to go.

More:
http://www.darkforce.com/caesars/


---------------------------------------------------
Three boys in Honduras were arrested for playing
football with a human skull, which they'd written
pop lyrics on. S Club Juniors lyrics, presumably.
---------------------------------------------------


>> How the charts work <<
More depressing marketing tactics

With British single sales in free-fall, record
companies are coming up with ever more
sophisticated ways to hype first week sales.

Look at D-Side's clever trick last week. An email
was sent to fans offering anyone who bought the
debut single the chance to send it to the band
for signing. But only with proof that it was
bought on that particular Saturday.

Thereby making sure of a nice end of week sales'
spike, and a top-ten new entry.

>> Things To Make You Go Hmm... <<
Mycock, Mariah and the new McColl

Popbitch's favourite local government officer
- Councillor Ramon Mycock:
http://www.staffordshire.gov.uk/live/dynamic/cllr/CllrDetails.asp?CllrID=18

I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here lesbian Rhona
Cameron has been tested on TV to see if she is the
"newer and cheaper Davina McColl". It seems the
answer may be 'no'. Rhona was seen in the toilets
halfway through the show sobbing "Even the audience
are against me, why can't I get a little love?"
(FYI: best heckle so far on IACGMOH2, an Australian
loudly shouting "Oi! Tufnell, lend us your brain....
we're making an idiot!")

Buy yourself a crew of homies:
http://www.vending-usa.com/homiesseries4.html

Perfect for a night in with your crew
some blunts, vikes and 40s:
http://www.ghettopoly.com/

At the Graham Norton NYC taping Graham told the
studio audience that when Mariah was on his show
during each break she would tip her head to the
side, which was a sign to her staff to come up
and hold a can of diet coke with a straw in it up
to her. She'd sip it and then motion them away.
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« Reply #8 on: May 1st, 2003, 08:07am »

Old Jokes' Home:
A bloke rings his local chemist.
He asks, "Do you sell incontinence pants?"

"Yes sir," says the chemist.
"Can I ask where you are ringing from?"

"The waist down", replies the man.


Still bored?
Learn how to swear in Welsh:
http://www.clwbmalucachu.co.uk/cheat/cheat_swearing.htm
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« Reply #9 on: May 16th, 2003, 04:09am »

"I'm fascinated by air. If you took the air out
of the sky, all the birds would fall on the ground.
And the planes too" - Jean-Claude Van Damme

When Leonardo Di Caprio was in London earlier
this year, he took a shine to a lapdancer in
a club he was visiting.

They ended up having sex, but the girl was rather
surprised when Leo stopped to put on a pair of
headphones. And then proceeded to fuck her, while
listening to a CD of whale song.

>> The Wisdom of the Ancients <<
Tom's post-prandial recipe for success

When Tom Jones was recording his Reload album,
he very generously took all the band out to
dinner to celebrate finishing one of the duets.

When the meal was over, Tom announced to his
companions, "After dinner I always like to have
the four Cs".

Asked what he meant, Tom explained:
"Champagne, cigars, cognac and c*n*".


Which ginger former DJ, now TV producer
recently approached two female members of his
staff and said, "You look like the kind of girls
who like sticking chocolate inside you".
(Clue: Its the same former DJ who likes to
receive a round of applause from his production
team when he enters the office.)

Elton John has been telling friends that which
ex-Spice Girl is now suffering from delusions
of grandeur?


>> Prince Charles is a Stoner II <<
His Royal "High"ness loves Jah

In our last issue we hailed Chuck's obvious love
of weed. Further evidence has been flooding in.

At a Prince's Trust gig a couple of years ago,
Prince Charles came backstage before the show to
meet and greet the performers.

Charles walked down the line glad-handing the
performers and exchanging quick pleasantries,
when he suddenly stopped at one of the
musicians, a rastafarian member of Aswad.

"Tell me", says Charles to the rasta,
"Whatever happened to Bunny Wailer?"

For more on Bunny Wailer:
http://www.furious.com/perfect/bunny.html

For more on grey goo:
http://www.quinion.com/words/turnsofphrase/tp-gre3.htm


>> Mirror Mirror On The Wall <<
Who's the most council of them all?

A stylist who helps prepare Atomic Kitten's
dressing room while on tour was hanging up the
mirrors ready for the girls to dress.

She picked up the first, "This is for Liz",
and hung it on the wall.

Then the second, "This is for Natasha",
and hung it on the wall.

And then the third, "This one's for Jenny
... I'll just leave it on the table."

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« Reply #10 on: May 16th, 2003, 04:11am »

---------------------------------------------------
Timbaland says his forthcoming Bubba Sparxxx album
is "the best, most ingenious work I've ever done".
---------------------------------------------------


>> Psycho Club 7 <<
Voodoo nutter wants Hannah's nails

New residents of a flat formerly occupied
by Hannah S Club found some mail the other day
which hadn't been re-directed. There was an
envelope written in crayon.

The letter inside began "Hellow Hannah",
and claimed to be from a child, asking for
some nail clippings ("fingar or tow it dosnt
matter") for a "school project".

Either there are psycho schools in England
now or Hannah's got some very creepy adult
satanist fans.

(FYI: Rachel S Club's solo career plans aren't going
too smoothly. None of the majors seem keen to pick her
up, so expect a Bunton-like deal.)

---------------------------------------------------
Five people were injured by a crazed badger in
Worcestershire this week. One of them ended up
needing skin grafts.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Celebrity Shitter - the return <<
Shane Ritchie's magnificent monkey bog

The toilet in Shane Ritchie's house has been
rigged up so that the moment you sit on the
seat, a projector starts screening the Planet
of the Apes movie on the bathroom door.


---------------------------------------------------
Urolagnia is the act of deriving sexual pleasure
from watching another drink urine.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Next year's US TV <<
Angel and Boomtown survive!

This week US TV networks announce the line up
of the new Fall season. Fans of Angel
and Boomtown (ie us) were happy to see these
series finally renewed. We've still got our
fingers crossed for Fastlane.

And back in minor-celebrity obsessed Britain,
we get the following new shows:

Pop Family - from the makers of Pop Idol, a
competition to find familes who all sing karaoke.

Celebrity Alcatraz - z-listers get locked up
in prison for some spurious reason.

Drop The Celebrity - who would you most want to
push out of a plane? (Davina McCall... Brian
Dowling... Geri Halliwell, how many can we have?)


---------------------------------------------------
The Sex Pistols are playing gigs again this summer,
starting in LA in August.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Shirley's secret <<
Fake gay friends! Everywhere!

Shirley Bassey employs a couple of gayers to
arrive at hotels she's staying at before her.

When she arrives, they enthusiastically greet
her, so creating the illusion that she has
friends and fans everywhere.

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« Reply #11 on: May 16th, 2003, 04:14am »

---------------------------------------------------
Whigfield's management company is called
Cock In Ear productions.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Britney's bomb <<
Disaster album looms

Britney's next album is shaping up to be the
biggest turkey since Jacko's Invincible.

Rather than trying to develop her own sound or
style, every single record producer/songwriter
with recent success seems to be involved.

Contributing to the album are Xenomania, The
Matrix, Daft Punk, William Orbit, The Neptunes,
Rodney Jerkins, 7 Aurelius, Cathy Dennis, Guy
Chambers, Guy Sigsworth, Bloodshy, Fred Durst.

So expect it to sound a bit Girls Aloud- Avril
Lavigne-French house-All Saints-Justin-Michael
Jackson-Ashanti-Kylie-Robbie-Madonna-Ms
Dynamite-Limp Bizkit. Only far far worse.


---------------------------------------------------
Keifer Sutherland was named after film-maker
Warren Keifer, who wrote and produced Dad Donald's
film The Castle Of The Living Dead.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Things To Make You Go Hmm... <<
Gay dogs, porn, sexual harassment

Owning a satellite dish in Iraq used to mean
six months in prison. Since Saddam's defeat,
Iraq's markets have been overflowing with $250
decoders. The main attraction? The 18 foreign
porn channels available in the Gulf region.
(FYI: How many Iraqis does it take to change a light
bulb? "Lightbulbs? We don't have any light bulbs.")

New contender for Mr Winkle's 'gayest dog in
the world' title - Tiny Pinnochio
http://www.tinypinocchio.com/

Jean Claude Van Damme was recently staying at
the Metropolitan Hotel in London. He barely left
his room, instead making one of the porters go
out and get him whatever he needed. At the end
of the stay he tipped the porter with a gold rolex.

Popbitch is T.H.C McGee - get your stoner
nickname here:
http://www.electricartists.com/cannabiscup/stoner.html

Demi Moore is being sued for sexual harassment
by a former employee, Lawrence Bass. He says
she began rubbing his inner thigh during a
discussion on the discipline problems of her
golden labrador, Daisy.

Stills from Madonna's self-banned video:
http://www.thememoryhole.org/arts/american-life.htm

The Datsuns have been quarantined in Brisbane,
thanks to their drummer returning from their
Singapore trip with a bad cough (btw: have you
seen the hoax Lucy Liu/SARS article on the net yet?)


>> Chart predictions <<
New entries for Sunday 18th May

++ Number One
R KELLY Ignition
Q What time does R Kelly go to bed?
A When the big hand touches the little hand.

++ Top Ten
GILRS ALOUD No Good Advice
Lene from Aqua has a songwriting credit, and
Tony from Spiritualized provides guitar.

LISA SCOTT LEE Lately
Was bridesmaid at former bandmate Faye's wedding.
She wore a peach dress, and said Faye looked
"like a princess".

SEAN PAUL Get Busy
Represented Jamaica at swimming and
water polo.

BON JOVI All About Lovin' You
Runaway was a hit for John Buongiovi prior to
the band's formation, thanks to its inclusion
on a local radio compilation


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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #12 on: May 16th, 2003, 04:16am »

SOUTHAMPTON FA CUP Southampton Boys
Join us with us in our voodoo prayers to Jo-Boo
that they'll beat Arsenal on Saturday.
http://clevelandkennelclub.com/lounge/gobbo/joboo.html

Do you want to spend 3 days in Las Vegas
next week and go to the VH1 Divas' show?
(courtesy of VH1). Just answer this question:

What was Whitney's big hit
a) I Will Always Love You
b) I Will Always Love Otters

email answer/name/phone number to:
doeswhitneyloveotters@hotmail.com

(ps Theres's only one prize (for 2 people)
so don't get your hopes up...and you have to be
UK based and able to travel 21/24 May)

Old Lesbian Jokes' Home:
A lesbian goes to the gynaecologist
"My dear what a lovely clean vagina you have", he says
"I should bloody well hope so", she replies
"I have a woman in twice a week"

Still bored?
Youth-speak dictionary for Baptist church youth workers:
http://www.thesourcefym.com/teenlingo/

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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #13 on: May 22nd, 2003, 08:00am »

"They all want me: boys, girls, men, women,
dogs, cats... they all want to have sex with
Ricky" - Ricky Martin

>> Real men don't eat quiche <<
The chat-up lines of Gobbling Gandalf

We love Sir Ian McKellan. Not only is he
Magneto and Gandalf, but he lives across the
road from us. And he tells good jokes.

To a good looking young actor:
Sir Ian: "What's the difference between a blow
job and quiche?"
Actor: "I don't know"
Sir Ian: "Let's go and have a picnic, then".


---------------------------------------------------
We hear from a contributor in Cannes that Arnold
Schwarzenegger has a "very limp and clammy handshake".
---------------------------------------------------


>> Big Brother's secret disco <<
Another season of dreariness begins

Big Brother 4 starts this week, and there
are new efforts to liven up the format.

This year, the BB house has a secret wall which
leads to a bar and club. When the inmates win
a special challenge and drinks prize, the wall
will be opened and the housemates will be
served by guest "celebrities".

---------------------------------------------------
An mystery old lady visits Channel 4 each month, and
paints "Satan TV" right across the steps in huge
letters. Cleaning bills run into the thousands.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which famous Irish singer had an R Kelly-style
encounter with Phil Lynott when very underage?

A London escort has been telling us that the
famous Masked Shagger is back. The British
pop megastar has sex with call-boys, but
insists on wearing a ski mask.

Which pop superstar has been seen enjoying a new
public romance... but in fact he's gay, and
she's just trying to get a part in his new film?


---------------------------------------------------
Nudists beware: friends of TV magician Derren Brown
say he likes to visit nudist beaches, and can give
erections to naturists with his mind-control powers.
---------------------------------------------------

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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #14 on: May 22nd, 2003, 08:03am »

>> Wayne Sleep's wonderful generosity <<
He wants to fuck all of you. How fab.

Valmont writes:
"Before heading off to Australia to take part in
I'm A Celebrity, Wayne Sleep gatecrashed my
friend's party in Soho, entertaining the crowd
to a series of leaps and pirouettes to the hard
techno that was being played.

"On finally being asked to leave by a bouncer,
he turned to the crowd and announced 'You're all
fabulous. I want to fuck you all'"


---------------------------------------------------
How much of Nick Rhodes' production on Dandy
Warhols' album was kept on the final cut of the
album, after a falling out over gak?
---------------------------------------------------


>> Parlez Vous Royalty? <<
It's all about The Grannies

In America dollars are known as "Benjamins",
in the hip hop world because Benjamin Disraeli's
picture is on the $100 bill.

Here in the UK Prince Charles's two boys,
William and Harry refer to pound notes as
"Grannies" - because they have their granny's
face on them.

On birthdays, Charles asks them "Would you
like a blue granny, a brown granny or a pink
granny?" (fiver, tenner or fifty)

---------------------------------------------------
Otter droppings are called spraints and have a musky
smell, like jasmine tea crossed with fish paste.
---------------------------------------------------


>> David's Hair Secrets <<
How Beckham turned into Bo Derek

Victoria Beckham and Naomi Campbell had dinner
with a stylist for ID magazine about four
weeks ago. He was sporting a braided haircut.
During dinner, Victoria kept asking him about
his hair, and eventually called David. She put
her husband on the phone, and he said to the
stylist, "Victoria wants me to have your hair."

The stylist replied, "Okay, but can you wait a
month because I've just got it done?"
Four weeks later, the cornrows appeared,
courtesy of Elton's hairdresser.


---------------------------------------------------
Duran Duran's July tour date in Tokyo's Budokan
arena (13,500 capacity) sold out within 30 minutes.
---------------------------------------------------

>> Eurovision essentials <<
Let the gayness begin...

The Eurovision Song Contest is in Latvia this
year. They've chosen a planetary theme for the
stage. Wonder who's going to be Uranus?

Our quick guide:
1. Tatu for Russia are the obvious favourites but
Spain and Iceland are the fans' choices.

2. Riga's buzzing with the rumour that Elton
will be reading out Austria votes, as he's
having a party in Vienna on the night.

3. Cyprus's entry Stelios is the best looking:
http://www.eurovisionhouse.nl/esc2003/2003cyprus.htm

4. Comedy entry is Austria's Alf Poier.
He performs surrounded by various stuffed animals.
http://www.alfpoier.at/

5. Dutch entry Esther Hart is famous for making
an exercise video, wearing a leopardskin bikini.

6. Ukraine makes its first appearance this year.
Singer Olexandr has driven to Riga in his
recently-bought Cadillac.
http://www.esctoday.com/2003/page.php?cid=38


---------------------------------------------------
Sam Fox took on Tanja Szewczenko in a boxing match
on German TV last week. Tanja won on points which,
a viewer tells us, was a diabolical decision.
---------------------------------------------------

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