The Shrine BBS
« Jokes March 18th 05 »

Welcome Guest. Please Login or Register.
Jan 19th, 2018, 4:52pm


Slow connection? Page slow to load? Choose the 'Lite' version from the dropdown box below to switch off the images :)

« Previous Topic | Next Topic »
Pages: 1  Notify Send Topic Print
 thread  Author  Topic: Jokes March 18th 05  (Read 1902 times)
Princessa
SBBS Big Cheese
ImageImageImageImageImage


member is offline

Avatar

Tired but heading for the gym...


Homepage PM

Gender: Female
Posts: 4270
xx Jokes March 18th 05
« Thread started on: Mar 18th, 2005, 02:16am »

A young man called peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flat mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but i assure you, Simon and i are just flat mates.

About a week later, Simon came to peter saying, "ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said peter, so he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love Peter.

Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now. Love mum.

=========


In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Whip and Peter's Ice Cream. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too... with sprinkles." And lo and behold, they gained 10 pounds.

And so God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried squid rings, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol sharply increased.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. Satan chuckled and created the public health system.

----------


The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies". Toward the end of the service, he asked his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven their enemies?" About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones," inquired the preacher, "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." She replied.

Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches!"
User IP Logged

User Image
Pages: 1  Notify Send Topic Print
« Previous Topic | Next Topic »

Donate $6.99 for 50,000 Ad-Free Pageviews!

| |

This forum powered for FREE by Conforums ©
Sign up for your own Free Message Board today!
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Conforums Support | Parental Controls