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 sticky  Author  Topic: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*  (Read 35641 times)
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #30 on: Jul 18th, 2003, 03:41am »

Ladies and gentlemen.... which 80/90s megastar
is relaxing at home after a short visit to
Amsterdam for a nip and tuck?

Which popular blonde actress is hiding crack and
bulimia habits? An exec on a studio lot
says the skinny actress would come into their
shared bathroom every lunchtime and throw up,
while a gofer on a recent press junket to
Australia tells us he was regularly dispatched
to buy rocks for the star. Funny, we always
thought she was a smackhead.

Westlife are recording a track with Rod Stewart.
(Memo to God: just one lighting bolt and the
world is freed from two plagues)

As most pop stars live isolated lives in
heavily-guarded mansions, it's nice to hear
about one who can still be neighbourly.

Duncan from Blue was kind enough to offer
himself to his female next-door neighbour
a few months back for "one last shag before
you get married".

Sadly for Duncan his offer was turned down.
His neighbour? Kym Marsh.

Martin Scorsese is making his first TV series, The
Twelve, about an FBI agent who thinks an apocalypse
is coming on the 12th day of Christmas.

After exhausting the 80s soft rock catalogue
(Heaven, Because the Night etc) Euro dance acts
are turning to the 90s for inspiration.

Out at the moment are remakes of Haddaway's What
Is Love, Nightcrawlers' Push the Feeling On,
MC Hammer's U Can't Touch This and Scorpions'
Winds of Change. Plus there's the Bhangra-reworking
of Snap's The Power and a new version of Culture
Beat's 1993 hit Mr Vain.

Jack Osbourne is the latest celebrity devotee of
Hillbilly Heroin. Oxycodone is six times stronger
than codeine, and induces "striking euphoria".

Blur's Alex James got married recently. It was
a new-age affair, where bridesmaids danced
around a maypole and guests made and burned a
wicker man.

Alex's bride had made some herbal concoctions
with which the guests could toast the happy
couple. The final cocktail was a blend of
the newlyweds' urine.

(FYI: Alex is becoming a science TV presenter - he'll
presnt Life On Mars on Discovery later this month).

Patsy Kensit's acting career must be going well -
her latest job is providing the voice of the dealer
for online casino 32red.com.

Israeli Eurovision winning transexual Dana
International used to be a boy called Yaron
Cohen until in 1993 he flew to London for a
sex change and emerged as Sharon Cohen.

One of Dana's old schoolmates got in touch with us
and told us that Yaron was known around the
school for only two things: wanking into his
Grandmother's handbag and drinking his own piss.

Still, the thing we like best about Dana/Sharon
is his brother: his name is Nimrod.

See Dana/Yaron\s graduation photograph:
http://www.popbitch.com/images/dana.jpg

(FYI: Dana has a brother called Nimrod.)
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #31 on: Jul 18th, 2003, 03:43am »

Arthur Shawcross, the Gennessee River serial killer,
was an Avisodomist - he liked to kill chickens while
having sex with them.

Popbitch isn't the only Nick Carter fan in the
world. Tommy Lee has announced he'll be recording
with the former Backstreet Boy on his next album
saying, "dude, that motherfucker can sing his
ass off!"

Rolling Stones will make $37 million in tour
receipts this year. Which means they can
afford the best tour catering - foie gras,
lobster, champagne etc. Keith Richards, though,
only eats Cottage Pie, made to his own recipe,
washed down with a large Scotch. Every single
night.

Duran Duran's reunion tour started in LA this
week at The Roxy. Simon Le Bon had fun. He says he
"signed an American girl's buttocks with a tattoo
needle - it took ages and she screamed."

Rate these wannabe TV lifeguards:
http://www.areyoubaywatch.com/

Think Kevin Costner is just an over-the-hill
actor who's not had a successful movie in years?
Think again. Kevin is also an oil industry
visionary and founder of Costner Industries Texas.
CIT provides state of the art liquid centrifugal
processing equipment and turnkey solutions to
the oil, gas and chemical sectors.
More: http://www.cit-und.com

Eve shows her breasts in her new video:
http://www.nycqb.com/EveFlashinTits.jpeg


Terri Nunn from Berlin screen tested for
Princess Leia in Star Wars.
http://snurl.com/1sjl

Wanking is not just good for dogs and horses:
http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99993942

Old Jokes' Home:
A bloke keeps ringing me and singing Stand And
Deliver down the line.
I keep telling him he's got the wrong number,
but he's adamant.


Still bored?
Anusolos! Learn to swear in esperanto:
http://www.insultmonger.com/swearing/esperanto.htm
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #32 on: Aug 7th, 2003, 09:27am »

Kylie and Angelina Jolie have been sharing
column inches over the past week over
their made-for-tabloids "relationship"
with Olivier Martinez.

We hear they also share an affection for the
same Parisian plastic surgeon, famous for his
small, natural-looking breast implants.


---------------------------------------------------
When Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was growing up in
Hampshire, her family milkman was called Mr Tit .
He was Liz Hurley's grandfather.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Big Questions <<
Who is probing the bunny warren?

Which ageing TV chef and restaurant owner likes
to try it on with females on his production team?
He grabs them, french kisses them, and when asked
what he thinks he's doing, replies, "I was just
testing the upstairs hole to see if the
downstairs bunny warren was open".

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against
pigs having sex in the city's airport.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Blue: All Rise <<
It's about sharing the love

Blue have a pre-show ritual where they hold hands
and shout "1, 2, 3, Bollocks!"; then swap places
and do it again, four times in total.

Rituals like this have a tendency to get out of
hand. A Popbitch witness once stumbled into
Poison's dressing room to find the 80s
metallers furiously masturbating together in
a "bonding" circle-jerk.

(FYI: there's evidence of a growing rift between
Antony and Duncan, so maybe a bonding group-wank
isn't such a bad idea)


---------------------------------------------------
Girls Aloud are picking up around 1500 pounds each
a week, not the 80 quid-a-day that has been reported.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Return of the Masked Shagger <<
Arablatinhuge without prejudice

The Masked Shagger (aka the famous 80s popstar
who shags men in a balaclava) seems to be busy
on Gaydar at the moment. One of his current
favorites is a well-endowed love machine called
Arablatinhuge, who is picked up by the Shagger's
driver for regular shag sessions.

Arablatinhuge is a perfect renaissance man. A
massage therapist, he says he's into kissing
and hugging, enjoys reading Umberto Eco, and
"can fist you, while listening to Mariah
Carey's My All".
http://www.gaydar.co.uk/arablatinhuge

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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #33 on: Aug 7th, 2003, 09:30am »

---------------------------------------------------
Martin Degville from Sigue Sigue Sputnik's
cock and balls: http://www.gaydar.co.uk/.....a1
---------------------------------------------------


>> Zig-a-zig Over <<
Everyone wakes from the Spice Girl nightmare

Nice to see everything going well for the Spice
Girls.

1. Mel B has moved to LA to further her acting
career. Last week she debuted on TV... in an
advert promoting STD awareness.

2. Having failed all her acting auditions, Geri
has gone back to singing. In a rare moment of
self-awareness she's chosen to work with the
producer of Who Let The Dogs Out.

3. Mel C's solo career has nosedived, so she's
consoling herself by starring in a TV show
called "The Games" - like a celebrity school
sports day. She'll be running, throwing the
hammer and judo throwing various C list
celebrities like Josie D'Arby, Gail Porter and
Ruth from Hollyoaks.

4. Tragic wannabe Victoria has recorded a hip-hop
track that is so shit that even new manager
Simon Fuller is telling the world that it is
"ill-advised". It's unlikely to be released, but
MP3s are floating around the web.

5. Emma's doing comparatively well. In WH Smith
you can buy Victoria's album for £1.99, Geri's
two albums together for £3.99, but Emma's album
is available at the whopping price of... £2.99!

Simon Fuller's creepy American Juniors release
their first single next week: covers of S Club 8's
One Step Closer and Kim Wilde's Kids in America.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Nutkins: The Movie <<
Otter goes to Hollywood

Animal enthusiast Terry Nutkins is bringing a
film of his life to the screen. He's written
an outline and is already talking to TV
producers. "This could be as good as Free
Willy," he says, adding that he wants Dennis
Waterman to play him.

We hope the film features this incident:

Miss Marzipan writes
"Aged 17, I appeared on a kid's TV show alongside,
among various others, animal enthusiast Terry
Nutkins. Afterwards, we went backstage, and
Nutkins tucked into the Green Room booze.

"Later, having eyed up me and my friend for a
while, he came over, and showed us his belt. It
featured a huge custom-made silver buckle - in the
shape of an otter dancing under a full moon.

"Buckle in hand, Nutkins then uttered the immortal
words: 'Do you want to touch my otter?'"

(FYI: As a child, Terry got two fingertips bitten
off by an otter.)


---------------------------------------------------
Peaches claims she turned down the chance to work
on Britney's new album in favour of working with
Pink and promoting her own album, Fatherfucker.

Straight from the lion-tamer's mouth:

1. The lion tamer is able to put his head in
the lion's mouth because he puts his hand over
the lion's nose forcing it to keep its mouth open.

2. When the lion is being trained it sometimes
gets very frustrated and starts to get aggressive
with the trainer. So the trainer recommends that
if a lion ever jumps on you and starts to attack,
you masturbate the lion to calm it down.


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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #34 on: Aug 7th, 2003, 09:32am »

Elisha Cuthbert (Kim Bauer) was badly bitten by a
mountain lion while filming 24. Maybe she needs to
brush up on her hand-job technique.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Daniel Chaos <<
German women suffer mass delusions

German Pop Idol star Daniel K is as camp
as Christmas. His great video for You
Drive Me Crazy sees him wearing pink
lipstick, attempting synchronised swimming
and generally prancing like a tit.

Despite Daniel's obvious gayness, the
young star has been named in a divorce
petition by a German man who was sick of his
wife's devotion to the seventeen-year-old.

Worse, a 15-year-old Daniel fan has been shot
dead by her jealous 20-year-old boyfriend.
He had demanded she choose between him and
her Daniel K posters. Obviously he didn't
like her answer.
Photos:
http://www.danielsuperstar.de/


---------------------------------------------------
Hannah S Club wants to try out for the Denise Van
Outen role in Tell Me On A Sunday, for when Denise
decides to leave.

Failed politician Ivan Massow has written a novel.
The Coppice is set in a woodland and features
badgers, rabbits and weasels ruled by sexually
confused squirrels. Sombody publish this now!

Leonard Nimoy aka Mr Spock has published a book
of nude photographs inspired by Kabbalah, called
Shekhina. It's being choreographed into a stage
show by dancer Elisa Monte, and debuts in
New York in November.

Hate your child? Buy it a Jack the Ripper doll:
http://www.toymania.com/news/messages/3737.shtml

The new Pink single is called 'God is a DJ'.
It's not a cover of the Faithless track.
It goes:
"If God is a DJ/ life is a dancefloor
love is a river/ and you are the music
If God is a DJ/ life is a dance floor
you get what is given/ it's all how you use it".

This week's unfortunate business url:
http://www.arsenterprises.com/

If you're the kind of person who bets on which
celebrity is going to die next, take a punt on
Syd Barrett. We're told he has been in Addenbrooke's
Hospital, Cambridge, "looking awful".

Summer in the cinema might have been bland and
dull, but films are set to get weirder. The
remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate
looks like it will have Johnny Depp as Wonka,
with a soundtrack by Aphex Twin. And music
video maestros Hammer and Tongs are
favourites to helm the big-screen adapation
of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, after Spike
Jonze turned it down but recommended them.

George Bush's hotmail inbox
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/bushmail.html

Britney on holiday, looking like a spoon:
http://www.passionofbritney.com/photos/misc/bahamasblonde/bahamasblonde-02.j
pg

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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #35 on: Oct 30th, 2003, 11:01am »

Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro are preparing
for a November wedding, televised by MTV.

Carmen celebrated the end of her last marriage,
to huge-knobbed basketball star Denis Rodman,
by getting her vagina expertly tightened by
a Los Angeles plastic surgeon.

(Carmen and Dave have a special love potion for the
wedding, called No 9. It made on 9 September
1999. In numerology, nine signifies readiness for
a mature relationship.)


---------------------------------------------------
Stella the Wookie is rumoured to be the latest
McCartney to get pregnant.
---------------------------------------------------


>> The Wisdom Of Britney <<
Spears learns from Madonna

Britney: "I've been into a lot of Indian
spiritual religions."

Newsweek "Might Hinduism be one of them?"

Britney: "What's that? Is it like Kaballah?"

(FYI: Britney Spears left school aged nine.)


---------------------------------------------------
Robert Palmer was buried in a black Kiton 200
superfine suit with pale grey chalk stripe, white
Charvet China silk shirt and coloured Sulka tie.
---------------------------------------------------

Which camp TV presenter, a particular favourite
of grannies, likes to go to a North London
cruising ground and persuade a group of men
to ejaculate over him?

A Manhattan stylist has been telling
friends about the night he sucked cocks with
a weighty alternative comedian/musician.
Guess who?


---------------------------------------------------
On the last White Stripes tour, Meg blocked the bog
on the bus with a turd. The driver had to dig it out.
---------------------------------------------------

Chris Martin has been accompanying Gwyneth
every day on the set of Proof (except for the
day she shot a sex scene with Jake Gyllenhal).

Crew members say he generally mopes around by
the director's monitor waiting for her, and
between takes they just kiss and talk. And when
out of sight of each other, they communicate
using "call and response bird-song".

(FYI: Gwyneth Paltrow is currently booking into
hotels under the name Kate Fleming.)


---------------------------------------------------
All walruses are right-handed. All polar bears
are left-handed.

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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #36 on: Oct 30th, 2003, 11:03am »

Duncan Blue recently said "Psychics have told me I
was a medieval knight in a previous life and I
think there are traces of it in the way I treat
women, because I'm very loyal."

Lady X writes:
"I went to school with Duncan from Blue and he
was a total geek. Everyone thought he was gay. He
was in all the youth theatre productions and his
voice didn't break till he was about 15. He was
a really nice guy but got stuck with a bad
reputation when he had a party at his mum's
caravan park and fingered this really dodgy
girl with a bad perm."


---------------------------------------------------
Andy Bell from Hurricane No 1 is the cousin of
Erasure's Andy Bell. And both Bells are cousins
of legendary wrestler Giant Haystacks.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Hey Hey Where's The Monkees? <<
And which one is "The Bradley?"

After the success of American Idol last year,
Simon Fuller and Simon Cowell claimed to be
launching a new version of the Monkees.

But after casting the band, there was a crisis
when bosses realised that there wasn't a
Bradley SClub-style "ethnic monkee".

A new casting was completed in the spring, but
there's still no sign of the show.


---------------------------------------------------
Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe have named their
new son Deacon. (We hope his middle name is Joseph.)
---------------------------------------------------


>> Heart of Darkness <<
Elliot Smith's Buffy-style suicide

US indie singer Elliott Smith wins the prize
for most gruesome suicide of the year.

We hear that Elliott was arguing with his girl-
friend, and threatened to harm himself if she
left him. He'd said this many time before,
so she just went off to take a bath. When she
came back into the room she found him dead,
having stabbed himself in the chest with a knife.

(FYI: Elliott spent years experimenting with
elephant tranquillisers. Which probably
didn't help.)


---------------------------------------------------
Anthony Head was Giles in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Next he's going to be Capt Hook in panto in London.
---------------------------------------------------


>> What's Graham Norton like in bed? <<
Toned but not hairy, it seems

A Popbitch reader tells us pulled Graham Norton
in a club in Brighton last weekend, and reports
that Graham is: "active not passive, not so
camp in real-life, toned but not hairy, and
his hair feels like straw".

Also: Graham has bought a flat near Tower Bridge,
didn't like Orlando Bloom when he interviewed
him, is "not at all showy with money", and
claims he's not very successful at pulling men.

(FYI: Graham interviewed Britney last Monday. The
studio audience queued up for hours, but were
eventually turned away and told that Britney had
"brought her own audience...")


---------------------------------------------------
Latifah (as in Queen Latifah) means The Turd
in Catalan.
---------------------------------------------------


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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #37 on: Oct 30th, 2003, 11:05am »

>> Dastardly Dannii <<
Minogue steals skipping rope

J writes:
"I went to Camberwell Primary School in Melbourne
with Dannii Minogue. I was a few years below
Dannii and was only seven-years-old when she was
about 11. She used to hang out with this really
geeky girl with long reddish blonde pigtails and
thick glasses. They both ganged up on me one day
and stole my skipping rope, threw it high up in
a tree and made me cry."

Gone to school with a popstar?
Email hello@popbitch.com


---------------------------------------------------
Victoria Beckham's only friend at St Mary's High
School, Cheshunt was known as "Blow-job Brenda",
after an oral-sex incident with a classmate.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Queer Eye For The Straight Prince <<
No more swearing for The Purple One

Prince has started his world tour in Australia,
claiming this is the last time he'll play his
old hits. Now he's a Jehovah's Witness, Prince is
refusing to sing anything explicit - so no
Cream, Sexy MF, Gett Off etc.

His set includes seven tracks from Purple Rain,
Sign O' the Times, Nothing Compares 2u (which
has Alicia Key's Fallin' dropped in) and Kiss,
where he's changed the TV reference line from
"Dynasty" to "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy."

(FYI: Prince has a new 23-year-old wife. She was a
fan that he met through the internet.)


---------------------------------------------------
Ricky Martin is jumping on the Banghra bandwagon -
new single Juramento has a Punjabi-style production
by Rishy Rich and Juggy D.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Things to make you go hmmm <<
Sean Jean, 50's hookers, ACDC

American Idol is launching a fragrance range:
Idol Spirit (for men) and Idol Moments (for
women).

50 Cent stayed here while in the UK. Apparently
the jacuzzi was always filled with expensive
Russian escort girls:
http://www.sothebysrealty.com/knowus/news_052001.html

The last Sean John fashion show cost one million
dollars to stage. P Diddy claimed it had a bigger
technical production than U2'S Popmart tour. The
range includes $250,000 kevlar-lined fur coats.

If you get married at a registry office in
Bavaria, Germany, you have to choose music from
an official book of songs only. One of the songs
they consider suitable wedding music is Hell's
Bells, by AC/DC.

Odds on dying from contact with a
hot-water tap - 65,000-1. More:
http://www.nsc.org/lrs/statinfo/odds.htm


Old Halloween Jokes Home:
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.


Still Bored:
Nice calendar to get your Dad this Christmas:
http://www.beautyandthebass.com/

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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #38 on: Jan 30th, 2004, 06:06am »

Best line at the Golden Globes was Robin Williams on
Master and Commander. "The sea was cruel,
unforgiving and wet.... just like Paris Hilton."


A reader recently went on a tour of the
Neighbours set in Melbourne. The tour group was
disappointed that the cast member assigned to
accompany them turned out to be church-going
old gimmer Harold Bishop.

After conducting the tour Harold (aka actor
Ian Smith) did the usual Q&A about the series.
An Australian tourist raised his hand and
asked "Harold, why are you such a fat bastard?"

Harold's reply: "Because every time I fucked
your mum she gave me a biscuit."

A chef at Hush in Mayfair has boasted that the chicken
dish served to Christina Aguilera on a recent visit
had jizz added to the garlic and tarragon sauce.


Orlando Bloom is scared of pigs. He's filming The
King Of Heaven in Spain, with Liam Neeson,
where he plays the blacksmith's son, and in a
scene where one of the pigs escaped from
the herd Orlando got scared and ran away.

An estate agent who recently sold a flat to
Janine from Eastenders (Charlie Brooks) said
that in each meeting she kept crossing and
uncrossing her legs like Sharon Stone in
Basic Instinct.

The film version of Knight Rider now looks
sadly unlikely. David Hasslehoff says "Up to now
the film company has found all the suggestions
terrible." Instead he wants to do a funny
sitcom about the Betty Ford Clinic.


Old Jokes' Home*:
Q: What's the difference between a twosome and
a threesome?
A: In a twosome, only one girl gets disappointed.


Still Bored:
Forget boybands and girlbands, we're into trans-bands:
http://www.shemale-legroupe.com/
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #39 on: Feb 5th, 2004, 11:37am »

The Christmas season is the perfect time
to fit in a visit to the plastic
surgeon. We asked a source at a Los Angeles
surgery to rate this winter's round
of improvements:

Excellent: Madonna
"Work is subtle and high quality"

Good: Sarah Jessica Parker
"Face youthful and less equine
with the nose thinning."

Bad: Kylie
"Drawn face, and the nose/cheek balance
is a bit off"


Leaks from the Michael Jackson trial paint a
gruesome picture of life in Neverland:
* Drawers full of boys' soiled underwear
* Photos of naked blond boys as young as seven
* Attempts to bribe cancer kid Gavin with
promises to make him a film star in return
for being nice in the Bashir documentary
* More than 100 boys sleeping over
at Neverland in the last three years.

As Jackson is nearly broke and no more use to
the music industry as a recording artist, it's
unlikely he'll have the legal firepower
to get off this time.

Instead, this deeply troubled man is going to
be torn apart in a media feeding frenzy that
reflects a new mood in society: people
are starting to resent celebrities and the
influence they wield. Jacko will be first
sacrificial lamb.

(It's a shame - we always hoped that Victoria
Beckham would be first up against the wall
when the revolution came)


Which Aussie film star is cheating on
his wife with his male assistant?

Which Eastenders' star's boyfriend is claiming
he is now "the top dealer in Soapland"? He
serves up from a Chiswick pub and has been
overheard boasting that he's "got more shit
on people than the News of the World."


Get nipple covers just like Janet Jackson:
http://www.thechaingang.com/nipples/nipples.html

Our favourite new video game: "Private School
Heaven: Boy's Love Scramble" is an anime game
where boys vie for each others affection.


Arthur Scargill goes to Neverland
"What do you think?" asks Michael Jackson.
"Great," says Arthur. "It's a long time
since I've seen a load of miners' helmets"
[Minors' helmets - geddit? Oh please...]
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #40 on: Feb 12th, 2004, 09:54am »

"It's been a mad rush - got in the bath, shaved my
bits, had a decent toilet." - Kerry McFadden

It's time to be honest about liposuction.
Everybody famous in the world is doing it,
because it's a great way to be thin.

Dieting is an appalling way to lose weight:
you always look knackered, and you're
miserable because you can only eat bok choi.

The Jennifer Lopez arse - that "natural wonder of
the world" - is said to be the product of three
separate procedures. Even American teenagers are
all getting lipo-ed. There's one LA surgeon who
withholds lipo from his teenage kids if he
wants to punish them.

It's time to stop being fat, unattractive or
hungry. Get major surgery now!

Get your sucky-sucky here:
http://www.plastic-surgery-cosmetic.com/liposuction.htm

Which Hollywood megastars' divorce resulted
from the wife getting pregnant by the couple's
fitness trainer?

Which strangely-named stage and film actor
has been boasting that he his girlfriend's
anus has been enlarged "to aid access"?

Britney has named her forthcoming tour
The Black Onyx Tour because "people go to
these stones to see them because they're so
powerful. Supposedly they ward off evil.
Whenever light is reflected on it, the stone
changes colours, and I thought it was symbolic
to what I do."

Old Jokes' Home:
Men these days like their women
like their coffee:
Imported from the third world at
exploitatively low prices.
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #41 on: Feb 24th, 2004, 11:20am »

During the 90s, Sylvester Stallone liked to
relax by practising his putting in the office
of a major Hollywood producer.

The "hole" was provided by a very famous
exotic supermodel sitting at the end of the
room with her legs spread wide open.

One of George Michael's conquests from Wham! days
tells us George has a knob like a mushroom -
"big head, skinny stalk."

Which Spice Girl wet the bed until she
was 15 years old?

Which ex-Blue Peter presenter likes to be
tugged off from behind whilst having his
neck bitten?

Which German fashion and perfume designer
was recently banned from a top Berlin gym
for taking a shit in the jacuzzi whilst high?

Expect Britney, J Lo and Christina to head
off to Japan soon where the University of
Tokyo have a revolutionary technique to recycle
arse fat into your tits, making fake
breasts look and feel entirely natural.

Until now this has been taboo because grafted
skin can look like a tumour on a mammogram. But
in this new system fat is sucked out of the arse
or stomach, enriched with special stem cells
to make a slurry, and then injected into the tits.
Many lipo clinics already offer women the
opportunity to bank their fat stem cells,
just in case they want to re-use them somewhere
else another day.

(FYI: In 2003 more than 250,000 women in America
had boob jobs. Around one-third of all implants
have to be removed within ten years because of
complications.)

The organisation which regulates boob jobs in
the UK is the British Association of Aesthetic
Plastic Surgeons - acronym BAAPS.

John Travolta's 50th birthday party featured
Carly Simon signing You're So Vain, but
changing the words to You Fly Planes.
See Travolta's house and jetport:
http://jerryrooks.tripod.com/travolta.html

Interesting advert for a lubricant:
http://shoebucket.dhs.org/advertisement.html

Back To Reality's Sarah Kozer used to appear in
bondage and foot fetish movies:
http://hogtied-2.com/gallery-8/
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/kozer1.html

Old Jokes' Home:
A little girl goes to see Santa in his grotto
Santa: "What do you want for Christmas little girl?"
Girl: "Barbie and GI Joe please"
Santa: "Are you sure? Barbie usually comes with Ken?"
Girl: "No, she comes with GI Joe - she fakes it with Ken".


Still Bored:
David Hasselhoff duets with Pingu:
www.for-david.com/downloads/pingudance.mp3
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #42 on: Feb 26th, 2004, 04:22am »

The media is full of celebrities denying their
plastic surgery at the moment. So it's nice to
overhear Dannii Minogue frankly describing
sister Kylie's new look without make-up.

According to Dannii big sis Kylie,
"looks like she's wearing a death mask".

(FYI Dannii is something of an expert on celebrity
face-work. Our LA plastic surgery source
describes Dannii as having "the worst celebrity
nose-job in the world."

A very popular boyband should take a careful
look around their dressing room next time they
perform. Someone at their prestigious management
company likes to secretly video them soaping
up in the showers and when getting changed.

Which ageing supermodel is currently
attending AA meetings at a Salvation
Army centre in West London?

Serial killer doctor Harold Shipman was cremated
yesterday after his suicide last month.
On the night of his death Shipman was served a
curry in his prison cell. When the guard
came back to collect the plate he noticed
the doctor had hardly touched it.

The prison guard asked Harold what was wrong
with it. Harold look crestfallen and replied:
"It was OK... but I could have murdered a naan."

The Alex Baldwin - Kim Basinger custody case is
dragging so much emotional baggage into
court that the judge has declared a media
blackout. That's just as well because it would
be terrible if Kim's near-limitless neuroses and
phobias, including a need to take a shower or
wash after every instance of physical contact,
and a year-long refusal to go outside in
daylight without wearing a red cape and hood,
were made public.

Alex, of course, had the usual very boring round
of on-set infidelities and weight problems.

Vicodins all round, then!

Manila has a bar called Hobbit Hideaway staffed
completely by dwarves.

Paris Hilton helped direct her sex tape. Boyfriend
Rick Solomon is selling it online for $50:
http://www.trustfundgirls.com/

More on the Paris sex tape court case:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4356309/

Paris Hilton's dog's weblog:
http://dongresin.katgyrl.com/archives/001129.html

Return of the stupid corporate urls:
http://www.fart-neon.com/

This year's Las Ketchup - already big in Sweden:
The Ding-Dong song, by Gunther, who has a
fantastic soft-porn actor moustache:
http://rm.warnermusic.com/Sweden/Svenskt/gunther_dingdongsong_me.rm

A schoolfriend of Alex James from Blur
tells us that when Alex was a kid
he admitted that whenever he had a
wank in bed he'd wipe the spunk
on the frilly edge of the sheet.

He thought his Mum wouldn't be able to
see what it was on there.

(FYI: The frilly edge of the sheet is called
a Vallance. As in Holly.)
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #43 on: Mar 18th, 2004, 04:08am »

The editor of a top women's magazine was
invited to tea with Cherie Blair recently.
She expected to talk about politics, life as a
working mother etc, but was somewhat surprised
when Cherie opened the conversation by asking
if the editor knew whether, "men have pelvic
floor muscles in their bum", as she was
interested in finding her husband's...

Geri Halliwell was all over the tabloids
today for being nice to two fans who accosted
her in the street.

Wouldn't it be funny if the fans had been told
by Geri's management company exactly when and
where to be, with a paparazzi tipped-off to
capture the happy, spontaneous moment...

Geri Halliwell has a new album out in May.


Princess Di-shagger James Hewitt recently took part
in a magazine competition where readers could write
in to win a date. The total number of entries? Two.


Napoleon brandy is being advertised in the
Philippines with the slogan "Have you
tasted a 15-year-old yet?"

After complaints from women's groups
the ads have been banned, but Destilieria
Limtuaco, the company behind the brandy is
furious and has issued a huge damages claim
against the Philippines advertising board.

Their spokesman claimed it was merely a catchy
way to sell brandy aged in oak for 15 years.
The spokesman wouldn't deny rumours
he was a huge fan of the Olsen twins.

(FYI: The Philippines is believed to have the
fourth highest number of child prostitutes in the
world, numbering approximately 100,000)


Yay! The Muppets are back. A muppet version of
The Wizard of Oz is being made this year.


Michael Jackson was trying to get a film called
Hot Rod made, directed by Kevin Smith. The film
was about how a man, played by Jackson, would hang
out with a little boy, then morph into a car,
which the boy would then get into and drive.
(Dr Freud...anything?)

Still Bored:
Celebrities swearing:
http://www.updater.co.uk/
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #44 on: Mar 26th, 2004, 03:31am »

"After all these years of worrying what I looked
like, I never realised I had an outstandingly
perfect pair of ears." - Victoria Beckham

Fashion designer Valentino visited an
exclusive Harley St clinic this week and
emerged an hour or so later with all trace of
expression removed from his face. Kylie,
Dannii and Lulu also choose the same clinic to
perfect their permanently surprised look.

Which sparkling 80s American rock god
secretly "married" his male chef in
a civil ceremony last year?

Which poodle-permed rock vocalist felt so
uncomfortable cheating on his wife when
he was on tour that he never shagged any
groupies.... he got them to bugger him
with a strap-on instead?

It's nearly time for Big Brother to get its
tedious grip on the tabloids again. Auditions
have started and early favourites for the show
are a married couple from the Midlands, a
man with piercings all over his body (including
cock) and a woman whose major selling point was
telling the judges she loved to be "fucked up
the arse." We can't wait...


(FYI: Nichola Holt from BB1 seems to have become a
porn star. Those unwise enough to want to see this
can look here:
www.ukpornchicks.com/bgafd/nicola/202940027.jpg
www.ukpornchicks.com/bgafd/nicola/202940076.jpg )

Roman Polanski has announced that his next
movie will be an adaptation of Oliver
Twist which will start filming in Czech
Republic in the summer. Roman says that
he decided he wanted to make a movie
for children thanks to hanging out with
his own small kids.

Polanski is, of course, already famous for
trying to make children happy. In 1977
he was charged with drugging and shagging
a 13 year old girl.

Old Jokes' Home:
A little girl goes into a pet shop and says,
"Excuse me mister, I want to buy a rabbit."

The pet shop owner asks, "Ah, what would you like,
a little fluffy white one or a cute brown one?"

The girl replies, "I don't really think my
python gives a fuck."
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