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 sticky  Author  Topic: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*  (Read 35640 times)
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #15 on: May 22nd, 2003, 08:06am »

>> Winona's off with the fairies <<
Nurse! More percodan please!

Salope writes:
"A friend of a friend lent Juergen Teller an
old photo of Patti Smith to use as a prop in
one of the Winona/Marc Jacobs ads.

"A friend bumped into Winona in a New York bar
last week, started talking to her about the
ad and said 'You know that photo of
Patti Smith...'

"At which point Winona interrupted, saying
'Isn't it amazing? She's been my mother's best
friend since the 70s and the picture was a
present to her from Patti. It's one of the
things I love the most and I always carry it
with me."

"The friend backed away, quietly..."

(FYI Samantha Morton is modelling for Marc Jacobs'
new collection. The Photoshoot was in a Nottingham
cemetary on Monday but was moved inside to a club
when it started to rain.)


---------------------------------------------------
Madonna has put her Beverly Hills home on the market
for S10m. Almost $4m more than she paid for it.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Reasons to be Cheerful <<
Seven things to love about 2003

1. Tommy Lee is writing his autobiography -
It's going to be called Dude, I Don't Remember!

2. Behind The Music - Top Gun. Did you know Toto
first recorded Danger Zone? Or that Kelly
McGillis married Wolfman?

3. The uplifting animated video for XTM's
Fly On The Wings Of Love. Plus it's a cover
of a Eurovision winner.

4. On 22 June 2003 in Castrillo de Murcia,
men celebrate Corpus Christi by jumping over
babies, dressed as the devil, carrying whips
and truncheons. Freddie Mercury would have approved.

5. The Evanescence single is out in two weeks -
its so good it nearly makes us want to be goths.

6. The creative cancer that is Simon Cowell has
taken his karaoke across the Atlantic so the UK
pop scene feels really vibrant e.g Girls Aloud,
Busted, Sugababes, Mis-teeq.

7. Wham's Fantastic sounds as good as ever -
and its 20 years old this year.


---------------------------------------------------
Snoop Dogg went to high school with Cameron Diaz
---------------------------------------------------

>> Things To Make You Go Hmm... <<
Hearsay's Food, Couture and Hasselhoff

Chanel are after Nicole Kidman to be the face
of one of their perfumes. So they are less than
enthusiastic about a request from Penelope Cruz
to design her a couture couture wedding dress
for the end of the year.
(FYI Insiders are putting out the word that Kylie
is ditching D&G for Chanel as Victoria Beckham
has made D&G "look cheap".)

Jon S Club is going to be starring in Les
Miserables as Jean Valjean.
(We reported weeks ago he'd auditioned.)

Celebrity Fame Academy winner Will Mellor has been
meeting songwriters to try and re-start his
singing career. He's been overheard boasting that
he's going to be "a bigger and blacker singer than
Justin Timberlake."

Bid for some food from Steps, Gareth and Hear'say
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2532340905

Fabulously bad David Hasselhoff video for a cover
of Hooked On A Feeling, complete with African
tribesmen and beagles.
http://www.hellonetwork.com/demo/toysclub/video.asp?speed=hook300

The Kylie drag queen in the Androids video is
called Millie Minogue. He's a full-time Kylie
impersonator, and allegedly paid for surgery to
look more Minogue-like with money he got from a
state pay out after he was involved in a police
raid at a gay nightclub where everyone got strip
searched.
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #16 on: May 22nd, 2003, 08:08am »

Old Jokes' Home:
Q: What's the smallest pub in the world?
A: The "Thalidomide Arms"


Still bored?
Then why not have surgery to improve your arse?
http://www.betterbuttocks.com/
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« Reply #17 on: May 29th, 2003, 03:50am »

"I love birds... they can fly and
look at the world without dealing with our
bullshit. Matter of fact, they shit on us.
I really admire them." - Nas
--------------------------------------------------

>> Gobbling Gandalf 2 <<
Everyone loves Sir Ian McKellan

From an interview with an American reporter on the
release of the Fellowship of the Ring:

Journo: "Don't you think Gandalf should have had
a love interest?"

Ian McKellan: "He does my dear. His name
is Orlando Bloom"

(FYI: Ian nickname among friends is "Serena")


---------------------------------------------------
Now the Taliban's oppressive, anti-pop culture regime
is gone, who are the most popular western artists
in Afghanistan? Er... Whigfield and Modern Talking.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Big Blather <<
Escape from reality urgently required

Prepare for this summer to be full of fake Big
Brother stories as producers try to maintain
interest through the dull early weeks.

The latest one we've seen is that some of the
contestants this year have identical twins who
will be brought in halfway through the series,
and, unbeknown to the other house mates... take
over the role of their twin.

(FYI: Channel 4 are developing "Big Brother Gold",
which will feature ten of the most popular former
contestants. Craig, Les Dennis and Bubble are all
on board.)


---------------------------------------------------
Justin Timberlake provides guest vocals on the next
Basement Jaxx album.
---------------------------------------------------

>> Big Questions <<
What we're asking this week

Which member of Girls Aloud had the nickname
"Strike", for her willingness to give blowjobs
at the local bowling alley?

Which daughter of a disgraced former government
minister was claiming in Cannes that she shagged
Prince William, but that he couldn't get it up?


---------------------------------------------------
Lee from Blue sometimes help sweep up hair at his
Mum's salon, Ryan's Hair and Beauty in Blackheath.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Piss The Future! <<
The legends of Lee McQueen

We love Alexander McQueen. Our favourite story
about him is the one when he got the job
designing for Givenchy. When meeting the
Parisian studio staff for the first time, he
got his cock out, pissed on the cutting table,
and said "See the future!"
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #18 on: May 29th, 2003, 03:52am »

---------------------------------------------------
Dan Wilson of Semisonic is being touted as Robbie
Williams' new Guy Chambers.
---------------------------------------------------


>> A lesson in morals <<
Not what you expect in Soho House

Brit actor James Purefoy was in Soho House, and
being hassled all night by a girl who was
desperate for a line of gak.

Finally he took her down to the toilets and said
"Before I give you any, you have to kiss my
cock." So he took his penis out and she kissed it.

James then said, "I dont have any cocaine,
but I want you to go away and think about what
you've just done".


--------------------------------------------------
Bruce Willis likes to be called 'B-Dub'(as in BW,
his initials).
---------------------------------------------------


>> Helping out Hurley <<
The joy of being Liz's intern

Simian Films is the production company Hugh
Grant and Liz Hurley formed a few years ago.
A former intern at Simian described the exciting
and challenging duties she had to perform as a
fledgling film producer.

They highlights were: walking down Kensington
High St in Ms Hurley's new shoes to break them
in for Liz to wear that night. And going to
Harvey Nichols to buy a £80 hot water bottle.

---------------------------------------------------
Norman Cook has remixed Elton John's disco stormer
Are You Ready For Love ready for its rerelease.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Doing a Julio <<
The large log of Iglesias

jjhunsecker writes:
"A friend was working as crew on a Julio Iglesias
stadium tour around Spain. The crew were being
transported around in huge tour buses, and
etiquette demands that the on-board toilets
are only used for number 1s.

"At one particular show some of the crew were
lolling around the bus and Julio joined them
to socialise. After a while he disappeared into
the bus. Then re-appeared a few minutes later
and said goodbye.

"It was then discovered that Mr Smooth had left
a log of such huge proportions in the toilet
that from then on the term "Doing a Julio"
was used to describe the size of one's shit."
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #19 on: May 29th, 2003, 03:54am »

---------------------------------------------------
The man who wrote 5,6,7,8 for Steps lives in Shane
Ritchie's basement.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Eurovision Spin Contest <<
Britain's glorious media performance

Eurovision proved that Britain is now among
the worst in Europe at pop, but still top of
the class in PR lies.

The big tabloid story of the week was that
Julia from Tatu was stalking Gemma from Jemini
throughout rehearsals. Julia didn't turn up
for rehearsals, and even Gemma admitted
that this was just their publicity stunt.

After Jemini's abject failure, they tried to
curry sympathy by claiming that their dressing
room had been vandalised. It had - by a
drunken member of their own party.

Finally, the claim that Britain did badly because
of anti-war political feeling doesn't fit with
pro-war Poland and Spain doing well.

So maybe the song did badly because it was
shit, and the performance beyond dire.


---------------------------------------------------
Timbaland is launching a new girl singer, Kiley Dean,
who he says is "going to come in and change singing."
---------------------------------------------------

>> Things To Make You Go Hmm... <<
Ball-kicking, Bono's nuts, beasts

Mad singing beast animation:
http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song/

Egyptian TV is set to produce a local version
of Baywatch called "Action in Hurghada". The
show will promote the wonders of Egyptian
coastal life and focus more on "chaste romance"
than good old fashioned tits and arse.

One of the most popular new types of porn in
Japan is called Tamakeri, or ball-kicking, where
men get kicked in the testicles by pretty women.
Getting contantly kicked in the bollocks is not
good professionally for porn stars so Tamereki
actors are recruited on the net or at S&M clubs.

Buy a pet monkey. We want the capuchin.
http://www.our-pets.net/primatestore/forsale.htm

A-ha fans are organising a big party in London on
June 28th to celebrate the first anniversary of
the band's Royal Albert Hall comeback last year.

Ozzy Osbourne is publicly backing Virgin's
bid for a Midlands radio license. Which is a
shame for his son Louis, who is part of the
rival Jump FM bid.

DM writes: "Was at a presentation that Dave
Stewart gave this week. He has a film of Bono
playing with his balls, and then a spider creeps
out from under his foreskin. Very strange.

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« Reply #20 on: May 29th, 2003, 03:55am »

Old Jokes' Home:
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.
I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

And I met this gangster who pulls up the back
of people's pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?"
He said "OK then",
I said "Nearest to bull starts".
He said "Baa", I said "Moo".
He said "You're closest".

Still bored?
Are you missing Mohammed Saeed al-Sahar?
Buy the DVD/video of the best of the
Iraqi Information officer -
(exclusively available now through popbitch)
https://kiosk4.ts.com/k?v=revolver&promo=Popbitch&item_type=9&merchandise_product=PD+Comical+Ali
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« Reply #21 on: Jun 3rd, 2003, 08:33am »

Whatever will Tiger Woods make of it? Mariah Carey has decided to add another string to her bow by designing golf clothing.
The unstable diva, who favours the unfettered boobs look, is as fond of hitting small white balls as she is of hitting the high Cs, and decided it’s time the dress codes are changed. The singer played a round at her local course and said: “I wasn’t about to wear some golf shirt with a collar. I went out on the greens in three-inch heels and barely anything on and they didn’t seem to mind.

”I’m seriously contemplating designing sexy women’s golf clothes. I need some clothes to wear on the greens.”

=================

Brad Pitt is turning his hand to architecture. He is in serious talks to design a hotel or bar for his multi-millionaire mate Rande Gerber (Cindy Crawford’s hubby).
Brad, who has no formal training in design or architecture, and Rande, who owns 20 properties worldwide under his brand name The Whiskey Bar, are currently scribbling down ideas for the proposed project.

A friend told The Daily Express: “Nothing has been signed but they’re in deep conversation. It will be a West Coast property and they’ll probably do it within the next two years.”

===================

Renee Zellweger’s Oscar night was a night to remember, but not in the way she would have liked.
After losing out on the best actress prize, her dress ripped as she left the ceremony. So instead of the usual round of parties, she decided to go home.

But when she got there she found she was locked out after forgetting her keys. She said: “When you’re putting on your Oscar dress, you don’t think about where the door keys are going to go.”

Luckily for her, a friend who lives nearby, Dave Palmer, was ready to help. He climbed through an open window and let her in. “He was like Spider Man,” says Renee.

When she got in, she gave her dog a bath and then stayed up scrubbing the floors. “After all that happened to me, I didn’t feel like putting another dress on and going ‘glamorama’,” said the distinctly down-to-earth Renee.

=======================

Rachel Hunter has bagged her first major TV role in a British version of Sex And The City.

The new show, called Denial, will start filming in London later this week and Rachel will play a socialite called Georgie. Frances Barber, famous for her role in Manchild and Real Women, will play media legend and party queen Stella.

Denial is tipped as a mixture of Sex And The City and Cutting It complete with glamorous outfits, plenty of make-up and gripping storylines.

This will be Rachel’s first TV acting role, although she has appeared in a number of small independent films in the US.

======================

Angelina Jolie has revealed that she hated Lara Croft when she first read the script and thought she was just a “cartoonish cute girl in hotpants”.

She explained: “I hated her. The image was that she’s extremely voluptuous and wears little shorts and that was all.

“To be honest, the first version of the script was about as bad as that. She was too cheesy and more like Barbarella – she wasn’t the adventurer or strong woman she is now. I started talking to the people making it and there was a big discussion about the short shorts. We kind of pulled away from the cartoonish, cute girl in hotpants.”

Angelina is starring as Lara Croft in the second Tomb Raider film this summer.


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« Reply #22 on: Jun 12th, 2003, 04:12am »

"There's a guy named Blackalicious who I think is
great, Black Eyed Peas is cool, Eminem has a song
or two that really is incredible." - Harrison Ford.

As David Beckham moves to the continent
to help another big club maximise its
marketing opportunities in the Far East, we
hear Becks is helping another big institution
market itself to the world:

Step forward...the new face of Calvin Klein!

London Zoo has just unveiled a new slide and splash
pool for its otters.

Last week we told the story of how Mujahadeen
fighters favourite pop star was Bonnie Tyler.
Now we find out Bonnie is a big favourite with
Muslim freedom fighters around the world.

Deadmeat writes:
"I worked in a kitchen with a Kosovo Albanian
who had fought in the wars there.

He told me they used to love listening to Bonnie
Tyler when they were holed up shooting the
people from the next village."

(FYI: Bonnie Tyler's real name is Gaynor Hopkins)

Red Hot Chili Peppers singer Anthony Kiedis is unable
to eat red-hot chilies because they're too acidic.

LA sources say Victoria Beckham has approached
Universal about screen-testing for the film
version of The Producers: the Musical.

The Producers is the story of a scam artist
who tries to assemble the worst musical
cast ever to make a Broadway show so hideous
it will close immediately.

Perhaps Posh has finally found a film role
that suits her?

(FYI: film will star Nathan Lane and Matthew
Broderick, the original broadway stars)

Vince Neil spent $15,000 on prostitutes when he
started taking Viagra. He says it was "so I could
try and come, because it just wouldn't happen".

Which European prime minister can often be
found wearing a knitted hat and raincoat,
in a park at night, negotiating for gay sex
with teenage boys?

Which US diva with a crack habit is about
to get a shock with a new book containing
revelations of how a family member took out a
contract on her husband, and another who tried
to wrest custody of their child away from
the troubled couple?

Paul McCartney and Ann Robinson's Harley St Botox
doctor also takes the credit for Jordan's breasts.

There is a bigger stoner in the
world than Prince Charles... it's Brad Pitt!

When not being a superstar actor, Brad
is fond of the jazz-cigarettes, and it's
starting to show:

Brad's new favourite leisure pursuit is to
spend hours sketching out designs for
boutique hotels and bars, in a stoner
Phillipe Starck style.

Despite the fact that Brad has no training
in architecture or design, hotel/bar mogul
Rande Gerber, who runs LAs Sky Bar and
another twenty properties around the world,
is now in talks to open the first
Brad-designed property.

Expect something... experimental.
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« Reply #23 on: Jun 12th, 2003, 04:15am »

Jenny Frost from Atomic Kitten has been ordered by
her doctor not to sing for a month. Good man!

Third Space is London wankiest gym. And therefore
a good place to see an A-list celebrity.

But the stars using Third Place are quaking
in their Nikes that they might run into
Third Space's celebrity stalker, the elusive
Popbitch poster known only as "Godzilla".

Third Space's website contains a request for
members to hunt down Godzilla,after his
reports on Gordon Ramsey ("large penis with
purple end") and Guy Ritchie ("blond downy
arse hair, large penis").

And Godzilla strikes again! This week actor Hank
Azaria was spotted. He has "a fantastic upper
body but very skinny legs. Hank got very sweaty
doing weights and left without showering".

We love Donatella Versace. Her over-dyed hair,
leathery tan and ridiculous outfits show
she doesn't give a fuck what people think
of her. As she once told a make-up artist
who suggested she try a natural look -
"more is more!".

So we're sad to hear ever stronger rumours in
the fashion world about the parlous state of
Versace. And since Christina Aguilera was
unveiled as the new face of Versace, other
celebrity fans have been deserting in droves.

Liz Hurley's career was made by a Versace
dress, but now the disloyal cow has embraced
motherhood and moved on to Ungaro and Chanel.

And now we hear that even Elton John is
thinking of moving on to another designer...

(And what is it about Chanel? Kylie has also been
trying - and failing - to carry it off)

The Guardian newspaper was advertising last week
for a Prisons correspondent. One of the
applicants? .... Jonathan King.

Has Fred Durst lost the plot? First he goes on
TV to try and convince the world he was going
out with Britney, then he announced he wanted
to make an Electroclash album, then he shelved
a nearly finished album to record with Wes
Borland replacment Mike Smith instead.

And now we hear a story coming out of Interscope
that the demo for new album Panty Sniffer,
scheduled for a 8th September release, has
been rejected. As Fred's a VP at Interscope
this suggests it must be very, very awful.

(FYI: Fred claims he has never read a book.)

Nicola from Girls Aloud has a phobia of stickers.

Adam Sandler has a bulldog called Meatball.

Meatball has been fitted for a tuxedo and
hawaiian shirt to wear to Adam's upcoming
wedding. Sony Pictures costume department
are making the doggie outfits.

(FYI: Email Meatball and tell him whether to wear
the tux or the hawaiian shirt
meatball@adamsandler.com.)

See Meatball:
http://www.adamsandler.com/08_meatball/meatball.html
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« Reply #24 on: Jun 12th, 2003, 04:17am »

Renee Zellwegger has a Golden Retriever called Woof.

Samuel L Jackson has been staying in the
Sanderson hotel in London for a month or so.

He's fascinated by British soap operas
"because they contain ugly people, especially
Eastenders. In America, Phil Mitchell
wouldn't get the women he does."

Lisa Steps wants to do a nude photoshoot.
(Difficult second single coming up...)

P Diddy says he's bringing out a line of
customised Lincoln Navigators. The chrome
rims and front emblem will be emblazoned with
his Sean John logo.

Dress your cat like a frog, or schoolgirl:
http://www.petoffice.co.jp/catprin/english/#hiyoko

Man having sex with a blow-up doll:
http://www.cyborgasmatrix.com/DollsTorso_Gallery.htm

A woman was in court last week in Isle of Wight
for stabbing her boyfriend with a breadknife.
The court heard that this was a consequence
of "an afternoon drinking vodka and listening
to the music of Hank Marvin".

Rosie Ribbons isn't the new Estee Lauder girl
in a Swansea department store. We're informed
its actually her sister, Jo. Better luck next
time then Rosie!

Old Jokes' Home:

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal.

The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him
Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his mum.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Still bored?
VW Jetta is the world's gayest car. See the top ten:
http://cartalk.cars.com/About/Gay-Lesbian/gay-guy1.html
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« Reply #25 on: Jul 10th, 2003, 07:27am »

>> Fingers up Farrell <<
Colin's anal adventures

Colin Farrell used to frequent a Dublin
lapdancing club, and shag the dancers.
During sex, he liked them to stick two
fingers up his arse.

The girls referred to the process as
a "Colinostomy".

(FYI: Like all rising stars, Colin preferred
two girls at a time)


---------------------------------------------------
Q: Why weren't the Doctors happy about separating
the Siamese twins?
A: It gave them a splitting headache.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Taking the Dog for a Wank <<
Show him he's man's best friend

Following our recent revelation that British
police dog handlers masturbate their dogs,
we've been deluged with new information
from dog-wankers and their friends.

Here's what we have learned this week:

1. Police dog handlers wank their dogs
to stop them feeling stressed, and also
to bond with them.

2. Sometimes dog handlers pay someone else
(usually a teenage son) to wank their dog.
The going rate seems to be five pounds a go.

3. Some farmers masturbate their sheep
dogs, to make them more loyal.

4. Sheep and Police dogs that get regular
hand-jobs are much easier to train

5. In New York, stressed dogs get sent to
yoga classes. "Doga" is sponsored by gym
chain Crunch. The Downward Facing Dog position
is especially popular.

6. Doga: Yoga for Dogs is published by Chronicle
Books in September, for anyone sick of having to
wank the dog.

(FYI if you are an 18-25 year-old boy with a pretty
face who prefers to masturbate himself, apply to
info@happyfilm.org, who want to film you for a DVD.
They say "dick size not important".)

---------------------------------------------------
Serial Killer Dennis Nilsen owned a dog
called Bleep. No doubt he wanked him silly.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Big Questions <<
What we're asking this week

Is Mutya Sugababe pregnant? (If so, can she
remember who did it?)

Which old Irish singer likes to end evenings
on with tour with "the United Nations"? This is
his code to the tour manager for three
prostitutes: one white, one black, one Asian.

Which drug-loving couple are now having to deal
with child abuse allegations involving their
pre-teen daughter? (Worst rumour is that
she has an STD)


---------------------------------------------------
Paris Hilton has been accused by her chef of
"mistreating" her chihuahua Tinkerbell.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Chazbaps takes China <<
The People's Republic of Billie

While Bonnie Tyler and Samanatha Fox are the
pin-ups of the Middle East, Billie Piper is
the unlikely queen of Chinese hearts.

The Seman Kashgar hotel in Kashgar, a city
in North-West China, has a gigantic 20m by 10m
billboard of Billie, wearing red PVC, with
the words "Welcome to Seman Kashgar".
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« Reply #26 on: Jul 10th, 2003, 07:29am »

---------------------------------------------------
Nicole Kidman has a phobia of butterflies.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Gak Attacked <<
Say goodbye to your favourite high

Biotech pioneers Xenova have announced
that they have developed a vaccine to stop
cocaine from working. The experimental TA-CD
vaccine stops you getting a cocaine high by
building anti-bodies to prevent the drug
reaching the brain.

They claim it's to help addicts come off the
drug, but obviously governments could try and
win their War On Drugs by vaccinating everyone...

The good news is it's a long way from being
ready for the market. But future coke-hoovers
like Lourdes Ciccone and Lennon
Kensit-Gallagher may be denied their
rightful destinies.


---------------------------------------------------
Ritchie Blackmore's favourite TV show is Hettie
Wainthrop Investigates, starring Patricia Routledge.
---------------------------------------------------

>> Taking it Izzy <<
Rock star lifestyles, part 94

Axl Roses wasn't the only fucked-up lunatic
in Guns 'n Roses.

When Izzy Stradlin was in his worst heroin
phase he suffered from such paranoia and
panic onstage that the band had an exact
replica of his living room built just offstage.

Whenever Izzy started to freak out, he'd be
directed to the "living room" to calm down
before re-joining the others on stage.


---------------------------------------------------
Skeletor has been given a free fake tan booth -
the kind in which you get sprayed all over in
seconds. They're very popular in Cheshire.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Oldbitch <<
Katherine Hepburn's secret love child

Katherine Hepburn's obituaries made much of
the fact that she was childless (she used to say
a star's life was too selfish to look after
children properly). However, there may be a
surprise in her posthumous memoirs - a son!

We hear that a tall Canadian academic "with
startling cheekbones" is the love child of
Katherine Hepburn and Howard Hughes.

Hepburn gave up her child for adoption in the
early 1930s to a successful Hollywood couple,
before going on to win loads of Oscars and
marry Spencer Tracy.

Apparently Hepburn met with her son once when
he was in his thirties, but he was not interested
in building a relationship with his birth-mother.
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #27 on: Jul 10th, 2003, 07:31am »

[img]---------------------------------------------------
Kate Winslet was seen leaving the Portland Hospital
this week... baby announcement soon?
---------------------------------------------------


>> Swan-murdering scum! <<
Chris Tarrant gets the bird

Britain's tabloids have been running stories
about asylum seekers cooking swans. Perhaps
they should also be directing their wrath at
TV and radio legend Chris Tarrant.
According to Tarrant legend, the young Chris
was thrown out of Birmingham university for
stealing a swan from the university's lake
and cooking it in the communal oven. The
swan was too big for the oven, and the burning
smell reached the nostrils of security who
caught him and threw him out.

(FYI: Tarrant now prefers angling)


---------------------------------------------------
Mariah Carey is Jurgen Vries' latest guest
vocalist after Lisa Steps and Charlotte Church.
The track's called "Wilderness".
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
DJ Otzi is releasing a version of Fast Food Rockers'
Fast Food Song. It's called The Burger Song, and
features bagpipes.
---------------------------------------------------


>> Things to make you go hmmm <<
Powertools, German Big Brother, Julia

Arno is the Flemish Meatloaf. He's big, sings
operatic ballads, and is said to always act like
he's crazy, drunk or stoned.
http://www.arno.be/

Benny Bennassi's great video for Satisfaction has
been banned by ITV's pop shows like CD:UK. For
the semi-nude girls with power tools? Er no...
it's because the girls with power tools aren't
wearing the Health & Safety departments's
regulation ear protection.

Online Pop Idol:
www.me-me-me.net

German Big Brother incorporates Fear Factor:
This week one of the contestants had to bungee
jump off a 200 foot crane in the middle of the
night with an infra-red camera stapped to his
helmet. The production crew set off two flame-
throwing explosives just as he was halfway down.
The poor contestant nearly pissed himself.

Get your baby tattooed:
http://www.babyink.com/

Aaron Barschak before he was famous:
http://www.deeteez.tv/

Which vagina are you? (Popbitch is the Dripping Vagina):
http://www.geocities.com/the_vagi_quiz/dripping.html

Tatu's Julia when she was blonde
http://english.pravda.ru/science/19/95/380/10075_tatu.html

Aptly named site that details agents and which
celebrities they work with:
http://www.whorepresents.com
[/img]
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #28 on: Jul 10th, 2003, 07:32am »

On your way to Dour, check out The Slave, in
Brussels. It's a men only gay bar which shows
hardcore porn on one TV and Disney cartoons on the
other. The back-room (downstairs) has a bath
with no running water...

Advertise on popbitch.com for £10:
http://www.popbitch.com/classifieds

Old Jokes' Home
Q: What is a shitsu?
A: A zoo with no animals

Still bored?
Conjoined Twins Erotica
http://www.conjoineddreams.net/
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xx Re: FUNNY CELEBRITY GOSSIP CRAP *popbitch*
« Reply #29 on: Jul 18th, 2003, 03:38am »

"I got a boning section on my iPod for when I
have sex." - P Diddy

Girls Aloud's Cheryl Tweedy will be in court
later this year, facing charges of racially
aggravated assault on a toilet attendant.
However, she may have nothing to worry about.
There are rumours that a tabloid newspaper
paid the attendant to say she'd attacked her,
and that Cheryl's defence will reveal in court
that the whole thing is a stitch-up.

Dog wanking is so widespread now it's become
passe already. Horse masturbating is hip now.

1. Horses can wank themselves, by flexing their
wangs and then whacking them hard against their
stomachs until they come.

2. Stud horses are given "willy washes" by grooms
a few days before they have to perform stud
duties. Going rate for grooms - £10 a wank.

3. Horse-masturbation is also a good way to
keep their wangers clean (or at least this is
what a reader's mother told him when he caught
her wanking the family farm horses....)

4. Final proof that horse wanking is cool?
Trudie Styler (Mrs Sting) personally masturbates
the Sting family horses.

(FYI: final word on dog-wanking: in greyhound racing,
fast dogs are "nobbled" by being wanked just before
a race to slow them down.)

Richard Madeley was overheard in a Soho bar saying
that he likes to shave his pubic hair every couple
of months, but Judy doesn't like it.

Simon Fuller is one step closer to his dream
of managing Derek Beckham. As predicted in
Popbitch last summer he's taking Victoria
on as a client, which means he gets to promote
Derek too on joint projects.(Caroline McAteer,
their devil-woman publicist, is moving to 19
with them.) Victoria's last manager John Glover is
said to be ready to dish the dirt on his time
with Posh. (email hello@popbitch.com, John)

Victoria's Rocafella collaboration is unlikely
to make her a star in the US. Damon Dash is
frantically trying to raise his own profile
as his partner Jay-Z looks set to jump ship
to Def-Jam, which will take away Dash's only
credibility in the industry. But this PR
stunt... sorry, record, is just to push his
artists and clothing range in the UK. It's being
kept very quiet in America - no-one in the music
industry in New York even seems to have heard of it.

Still, the one thing Victoria's hoping for is
the record combats the appalling word-of-mouth
hanging over her still unfinished album
with Telstar...

(FYI: Victoria joined Geri in getting filmed for
Sex and The City. But their acting was so bad
their parts were cut to one line.)

Wearing pants only became popular for women in Japan
in 1931 when 11 women died in a Tokyo shop fire rather
than jump to the safety nets and flash their parts.
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